Did you hear about the constipated accountant? I'm emotionally constipated. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime. "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?". I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small. Do you need a stud in your life? You agree by closing this box or continuing to use our site. See TOP 10 birthday one liners. My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the bonnet of her Honda.

Skip to content. If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning. You should have seen his face light up when he opened it.

– Gary Delaney, “A Christian friend of mine said that sex between two men is wrong in their eyes. Free sex tonight!” I said, “Wow!” Then her friend said, “She means 666-3629.”, I got a DVD on how to improve your foreplay.

Her mom responded, “Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!” Maria replied, “See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!”. Then I was born. Absolutely hillarious dirty one-liners! First, we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either. Dirty One Liners. “I went to buy a Christmas tree. The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. See our new one liners or check one liner of the day. Add your one liner to our site and see how good it is. I wish you were soap so I could feel you all over me. Frogspawn.” – David Ephgrave, I’ve currently got a stalker.

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 33, looking for some action!" The guy goes, ‘So you can put it up yourself?’ I said, ‘No, I was thinking the living room.” – Gary Delaney, I asked a Chinese girl for her number. I’m trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot. Cause I got the STD and all I need is U. I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time that she’s just going to scream and run out of the park. You agree by closing this box or continuing to use our site. Are you a termite? All sorted from the best by our visitors. He was blown away. It's always a good idea to make friends with babies.

It got caught in my throat and all I ended up with was a stiff neck. Search in the largest collection of one liners and puns, We use cookies for analytics, advertising and to improve user experience. I was still w***ing.” – Gary Delaney, “Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, ‘I can’t talk now, I’m going into a tunnel.’” – Jimmy Carr. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay. Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”. Enjoy. She said, “Depends what’s in it for me.”. ... I’m not one to blow my own trumpet.

I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn. A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. I said “no, I’ll just turn the lights off.”, “Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common: they’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.” – Frankie Boyle, The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at the World Cup – just happy to be there.” – Russell Howard.

Puns And One Liners. I’m sorry, but if Christmas is coming – so am I.” – Sarah Millican, “One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead. But you probably can’t tell in these trousers. He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a … When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. Sex on TV can’t hurt… unless you fall off. “Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.” – Billy Connolly, I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day. Sex! Then I went to watch the crocodiles.

1. I was born to be a pessimist. One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Luckily my boss suggested we just wipe the slate clean. Enjoy the Dirty Jokes and One liners, No Need to worry just enjoy and leave all your stress in the junk box… Checkout the blow nasty jokes and one liners-, Wedding Anniversary Wishes for Wife (Updated), Happy New Year Greetings, Status, Wishes , Messages. I refused. The largest collection of dirty one-line jokes in the world. Quick, Funny Jokes! It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party. To find out more see our. She said, “Sex! Cuz I’m gonna tan ya ass. I just found an origami porn channel, but it’s paper view only. The largest collection of birthday one-line jokes in the world. About three inches.

Why are birthday's good for you? I saw a dildo the other day described as “nine inches long and realistic”. Do you want to come to my time machine?

“Not a problem,” he replies.

“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”. Always end up at self-checkout. “I lost my virginity under a bridge. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. – Gary Delaney. I thought, “Well, which is it?” – Gary Delaney. Absolutely hillarious Halloween one-liners! Masturbation always leads to sex. Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. Absolutely hillarious birthday one-liners!

To find out more see our. So he gives it to her. All sorted from the best by our visitors. The largest collection of Halloween one-line jokes in the world.

What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?

All sorted from the best by our visitors. Do you know a funny one liner? She said I ruined her birthday.

The cashier asked if I’d like a bag. If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are... you have small boobs. The largest collection of age one-line jokes in the world. It’s a gateway tug. Patient: "Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake."

I'm not sure how. A penis has a sad life. I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you. Obviously, they don’t know that yet… – Gary Delaney. After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts. Love is like a machine… sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.

“Sex is like playing Bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.” – Peter Kay. Dirty Jokes Funny One-Liners Cheesy Jokes Funny Pick Up Lines. My girlfriend isn't talking to me. I bought a box of condoms earlier today. I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy. I said, “Well, I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete just yet.”, “You should only have sex with a famous person if you really, really genuinely want to tell people about it afterwards.” – Sara Pascoe. The best way to make your wife scream during sex is to ring her up and tell her where you are. But men can fake a whole relationship. Sex! It doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.

Why men's voice is louder than women? I haven't given a shit in days. See TOP 10 Halloween one liners.

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Just all in my experience.” – David Mitchell, “I thought Coq au Vin was love in a lorry.” – Victoria Wood. – Gary Delaney, “The annoying thing about Christmas is running out of batteries because the kids want them for their toys.

Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest! Is your name Tanya? We stop somewhere between ’68 and ’70, “Not all sexual experiences have to be filled with anger. An Australian kiss – the same as a French kiss, but down under. Q: What goes up and never comes down? My blood type is B Negative. Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother.". If you get easily offeneded or need a safe space, these dirty jokes are definitely not for you! 2. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually. Because you just gave me a raise. – Gary Delaney. Then I realised I hadn’t turned the telly on. Personally, I think it’s b***ocks.” – Billy Connolly, The young couple next door to me have recently made a sex-tape. Add your one liner to our site and see how good it is. Women might be able to fake orgasms.

I had to fast-forward through the boring bit at the beginning.

Bought a friend a fridge for his birthday. A man walks into a bar and takes a seat on one of the stools. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. – Gary Delaney, “What do you call a video of two toads having sex? I said, ‘You’re right, it’s supposed to be up the bum! See our new one liners or check one liner of the day. Men have an antenna. I got the bike.” – Jimmy Carr. I didn't even know it was her birthday. Cause you’re about to have a mouth full of wood. Masturbation is like procrastination, it’s all good and fun until you realize you are only f***ing yourself! A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. All sorted from the best by our visitors. Doctor: "Next time, take off the candles.". Enjoy the Dirty Jokes and One liners, No Need to worry just enjoy and leave all your stress in the junk box… Checkout the blow nasty jokes and one liners- ... Birthday Jokes (83) Birthday Jokes for kids (72) Birthday Quotes (4) Blonde Jokes (154) …